he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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