So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
