I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
