Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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