I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
