but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
