I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
