Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
