Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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