So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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