Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
