ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
