I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
