I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
