WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
