Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
