with your own penis?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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