I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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