Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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