So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
