Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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