Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
