Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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