I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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