You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I will pee on everything he values.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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