I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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