Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
