cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
