Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
