When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
