I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
