I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
