textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
