Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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