Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
