unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
