When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
