Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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