my shit smells like andre
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
