So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
