That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
