sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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