i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
