sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
