the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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