If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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