Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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