She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
