Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
