im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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