Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
