Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
