I'm pants shitting drunk right now
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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