saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
