i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
