So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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