I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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