my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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