I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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