3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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